letters to Lauren Vest, age 16

Journal of written but unsent letters to Lauren

9-24-98
Today I started this for you. Today I spent lunch with you.
Today you had play practice. I tell everyone about you, how you are so amazing, so tough. I'm going to write on this everyday now until, well you know, I have to give it to you. Last night I spoke to you on the phone and read you some of my journal, when I heard you cry and wished I could have been there by your side. This is the poem (unforgotten) but never showed it to you.

9-25-81
We, you and I, came to my house after school trying to see if we could use my car. Nope. I gave you a back massage and you fell asleep. Then we got to your house and started watching titanic after riding in the car with your mom, saying you sold the house and now I know you're leaving. We went to adams house and had our birthday party.

Dear Lauren,
this may be early, but I rather be that than late. Happy Birthday!! But this is not all. I wanted to surprise you like I hoped you were when you opened your locker. I could not find a "care-bear" but I found one that smiles back at you.
This bear is to remind you of me, hopefully and whether or not you go to boulder, I'll be by your side all the way. I'll be this little teddy bear that sits in your room and smiles at you.
Ans every time you should need a hug, this little bear will take any hug and hug you back. (I sort of borrowed the "love box" idea, hope you don't mind). HAPPY BIRTHDAY (a little early). I'll see you at 7pm tonight.
Love
Eric s.

11-20-98
I write to you today because I am thinking of you, all of you. How i'm loosing you in a few days, how I feel like i'm loosing you anyway, sometimes I feel like my nightmare of us is coming true and siobhan's little lie didn't help any for me. It seems you have so much to do that all I can do is sit quietly and maybe say "hi" or something dumb. I do not feel as close to you anymore, as much as I used to. But when we are together I feel like all I do is hurt you. I don't feel like i've done all I can for you. I always feel like I fell short of meeting your expectations. Like your standards are so high that there is no way to match myself to that of [yours]. Sometimes it seems like you don't want me around, sometimesit seems that you've got so much on your mind I feel forgotten. All this hurts me more that you can ever imagine. You continue to confuse me.
it hurts me to see us drifting apart as you are about to leave my side anyway. right now I have this overwhelming sorrow consuming me and all I want to do is cry. I can't handle this. All this is the way I see it, you may not think anything is wrong, but I see a change in us and it makes me sad. I've never been here before, it's something I don't want to face and do it never again. I am so lost wandering inside myself wondering what I can do to help us be closer. It never seems like you're happy anymore, which makes me sad. I don't care about anything except healing us. So I forc myself to school so I have something else to think about but it doesn't work. All I think about is making these next couple of days very memorable. I have no ideas of what we could do. As long as you want to be with me.
maybe i'm just being stupid, but I don't feel wanted anymore. Don't take it as an insult, please, I know you've got a lot to do. But you're so worried about school and you're leaving in three days. Your friends don't get a lot of time together with you.
Love
Eric s.

12-7-98 11:10pm
Lauren,
how are you? You said you would call today. You did not. I cannot afford to keep calling you. I have been reading through the few letters from you. All of which I have. A poem, "angel boy," birthday card, "love box" letter; late last night wondering, 2 short letters, one long one on trust. You wrote:
"I'm sorry that I can't trust you like you trust me. I hate myself for it. I know that without this trust I will be skeptical, but I promise you with all my heart, mind, might, and soul that my love for you is true."

Even as I was with you, I will always be with you; your move has not been incredibly hard on me. But, now I realize the foolishness of our ongoing long-distance-relationship. It's going to be six months before we are together again. I want to be one of your best friends in p.c.. One that you can call anythime, come visit, a forever friend. I think that keeping this relationship is binding us. We are too obligated to each other. Don't take that wrong, I actually love it, but it's not healthy for us to be constantly worrying about [the] other. We are supposed to be free. We have enough restrictions.
The fact of the matter will always be that I love you. I will love you always. That you'll always be first pick for anything I choose. Right now I work harder in school, so in the future I can be with you. You always come first in my dreams. This is an everlasting vow. I live and die for you.
If anyone messes with you, find I out, they'll be the sorriest $&^%*(^& that ever lived. You are tops in my dreams, it's where they top out. You'll be there.
I believe in your. I have hope for you. I exist for you. I respect you and your decision, no matter what. Here is the must: I want you in my life. I would say this would have happened anyway. We must stop this long-distance non-sense. My heart aches to write these words. I have come to many conclusions about this. It is hurting me to be bound to you and you tobe bound to me.
You'll always be my baby, always in the largest part of my heart. I still want to go to prom with you. Your pictures will remain on my wall.
"always remember, whatever happens, whether it is between you and me, or we are torn apart, if the tragedy of life becomes fulfilled, or we live on together and forever happy and in harmony; in my heart you will always remain, unforgotten." -from another letter.
I think of you everyday. Every time I make chocolate ate work and that chocolate dust cloud surrounds me, I think of you, I am reminded of you, and inside I cry. I cry for you to be with me. I cry to see your face. To have stayed together anyway might have been bad for us, even if you did not move. This time in our life is not the time to be settling down.
I always want to be your prince charming. I always want you to be that angel in the wind watching over me. I look into the sky every time I go snowboarding and look for you, I see the clouds create you. And I know you are alive and well in Tucson, ARIZONA. I will drive down to see you next summer.
I have frolicked in the woods and came into a meadow and found you. Our love grew strong and travels with us wherever we go. I now return to frolic in the woods. I take with me your love. I will always love you. All that you have given me. I have counted that which you have given me. Endless. Good. Bad. Great.
"I came here alone, and I'm going to leave by myself..." - ani difranco.
I will never say good-bye to you. That is a promise I will never break. And I will never date your best friends. I am running from Amy as I write this. I would love it if you would let me fly free once again. I once soared among the worlds of other and I landed on your perch. I fell in love. This love hurt me both goodly and badly. I will not fly free if you do not let go. You must realize I will return to your perch. Maybe to stay, for eternity. We are yet young and we must both fly free. I will constantly love you.
I will return to your perch. I think I have already made a reservation.

December 8th, 1998 Tuesday 10:37pm
Again I went to work and no less expected, you called. I guess around 8:20pm, I hate missing your calls. I try to talk to you as best I can but can never get you to say anything.
It snowed today. You would have been mad at me if you saw me snowboarding in Jupiter. The trees tried to hit my, but I dodged them. I went fast in the trees and new powder while I was warm at 25 degrees F. Everyone is missing you. I gave Carrey your address and phone number. She liked that. I do not think I am going to this dance on Friday. I asked my best friend Piper and the last Saturday, she blew out her knee skiing. She crashed and tore her MCL.
I wanted to go with you. I think you would have gone. No you probably would not have. Basketball is going out of town. This is a semi-final Christmas dance that Travis devoy is coordinating.

12-13-98 Sunday
To Lauren:
I just wanted to tell you that I do not want to break up. I love you too much. I am in love with you. I am sorry I hurt you. I did not want to make you feel bad. I know not where the doubt came from. But If I had wanted truly to break up then I would have said it. I would never want to lose you. Whatever I was thinking is now gone. If I feell I hang out with my friends, I will deal with it, it's not my problem. I'll change my perspective. I do not like making you sad. You have become my motivation. I have these letters from you when you were here, I hold them so highly. I don't know where I don't know where to put them.

Dec. 24, 1998
Dear Lauren,
I just got off the phone with you. It was an argument about throwing away books. I made you feel bad. Iguess all I do is make you feel bad. That's all I do to you. I'm sorry, because I don't want to makeyou fell bad, I don't want you to shed tears over me, so I'm not going to call you anymore. I'll believe what I want to. You will what you will. I'm sorry I made youfeel bad. I'll send your gifts, when the last one gets here.
I sit here listening to 2pac who I haven't listened to for a long time. Ilook outside at the dark sky. I see the christmas tree out the corner of my eye, but no person.
Knowing Christmas has been perverted into a gift season, buy things for people. Give, give, give, but we are giving the wrong thing. However good, we still give material things.
I think about your house here in P.C. And picture this young couple with two children who now inhabit that space. I think about a family in Tuscon and try to picture the house they inhabit. My life has fallen apart. I don't know what to do with half the time.
I'll call you while I'm in Cali. That will be the last time I'll call. I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. It seems to get me in to trouble whenever I say my honest opinion. By becoming more and more truthful, I am hurting people. Books are too important, time does not exist. I'll no longer try to defend my opinion with you. I'll say if I agree or not. And you have to take no heed. Forget all our time together. When you moved, we started another relationship. Mind and person with mind and person. I'll remember what you told Heather Barnes that chris overheard: "when I move, de don't have to break up, it's more like see ya later...." Great thing for you to say. Siobhan did not know anything about it. Itrust Chris. He would not lie about it. You told me you didn't say it. Like I said, "it all falls apart." I don't believe anyone. I listen, I have learned to mistrust people. Park City has bred it up inside my mind. I've learned to love you like a sister. All we can do istalk. Once earlier I wrote to you about our roads being different. Our opinions are where they start. You'll live a defferent life than I; I from you. My road goes where no human has been before. Yours sounds different. It looks different.
My Christmas tree has ten presents, how's yours? My toe nails are red. Myself in other people's dreams. My own philosophical thoughts replace my own dreams. Never dreaming but having dreams anyway. To hold onto those dreams, not to be lost. Others' dreams written down and lost alond the way. Dreams of unconscious thought prevail.
My words will never ruin another day of yours or others. You still put up with me anyway. Always seeming to piss you off. And I love you. All thses things bringing me closer to you than lovers be. Lovers hide things from each other. I hate lies. I am disgusted by liars. The truth is the friend of man in form of hurt or joy. Siobhan is no longer my friend. She lies too much.
Be certain that anything can happen. I am. Whether you want it or not. Whatever it will be . Anything can happen. As long as truth is there, you'll be alright.
I know why the doctrine of our church does not suggest getting into relationships: because they too attached to each other. I'll deny that left and right, but mostly forward. I love you, but I don't want you to deel bad. I have come to the conclusion that life is a never ending unwritten story and always changing. The good things in life, chocolate, mac + cheese, friends, God, thought, truth, change.
Be sure that always, I will be here/there for you. I'll send you all my unwritten letters to you, since I value truth.